Week 11

It is 11th week since you were conceived. You are slightly more than two inches long now and weighing about a third of an ounce. You have been pretty busy growing this week. If you are a boy, testes are developing and ovaries if you are a girl. You now have distinct human characteristics: hands and feet in front of your body, ears nearly in the final shape, open nasal passages on the tip of tiny nose, a tongue and palate in the mouth and visible nipples. Your head is currently equal in length to the rest of the body and hair follicles are forming on the crown (as well as over the rest of the body). Your hands and feet have individual fingers and toes (goodbye to those frog like webbed hands and feet). Meanwhile, your fingernail and toenail beds begin to develop this week; by next week, the nails themselves will start to grow. At the same time, your body is straightening and torso is lengthening.

Keep up the good work, guys. Daddy and Papa are eagerly waiting.

It is nobody's business but ours.

Our fertility clinic emailed us today about the last blood test "S" had on Monday. (Yay..one less thing for her to do). Her progesterone and estrogen levels are great after stopping her meds. With that, she is officially discharged from fertility clinic and off to the OB. 

When the congratulatory email came, all of the sudden we felt exhausted and realized that we are finally on our own. There is no more protocol to follow and no more result to update. Now, it is nobody's business but ours - "S"and her family, us and two babies. It is exciting but a little frightening too that we are now on our own. 

We are proud of pulling everything off to this point, given that the clinic had doubt about working with a surrogate on our own at the beginning. Overall, our experiences with the clinic were positive. 

Uterine lining check through cycles

After we passed the medical screening and psychological testing (plus the home study) in February, our clinic had "S" gone through several cycles to check her uterine lining. Our RE (reproductive endocrinologist....here is the link to most surrogacy acronyms) decided first to do mid-cycle lining check on "S" in lieu of mock cycle. Some fertility clinics have them in the protocol. Basically, these lining checks are performed to ensure adequate lining of the uterus where the embryos implant because it is one of the most critical components for IVF.

Mid-cycle check didn't go as expected so the RE ordered a mock cycle with more hormones. Mock cycle is an artificial cycle of hormonal stimulation effect on the lining of the uterus. It is usually performed immediately preceding the one during which embryo transfer is planned. 

These cycles and the final transfer cycle took some time and involved lots of shots, blood tests and ultrasound appointments. "S" started her shot daily in early May until this past Friday (10-week pregnancy). When we first saw all the meds she received, our jaws just dropped. We can't imagine how it was like and what they had gone through. "S" and her husband who helped give her the shot, deserve all the credits. We can't thank them enough. 

Week 10

It is Week 10. You guys haven't been easy on Auntie "S" because she has been feeling very yucky. She took her last progesterone shot yesterday. Your daddy and papa are so glad because she has one less thing to suffer.

You are now nearly an inch and a half long and the size of a prune. You are taking a human shape now. Bones and cartilage are forming and small indentations on the legs are developing into knees and ankles. Your arms can flex already. Although they are taking shape and getting stronger, each one is only about the size of this number 1.

Your tooth bud fairy is making an appearance this week but they won't break through the gums until you are close to six months old. Your other systems are a go, too. Stomach is producing digestive juices, the kidneys are producing large quantities of urine, and if you are a boy, you are already producing testosterone!! 

You and Autie "S" are our gold star. We are counting down the days to hold your little hands.

Here is a song for Autie "S" and you two little ones. 

Thanks for deciding to do this!!

After pregnancy was confirmed, we slowly understand why having babies could instantly change one's live forever. As the pregnancy progresses, we now think of babies, speak and even act like babies, and pay attention to whatever is baby-related (Yeah..baby poop and diapers too).

Pampers has this heartwarming commercial in Japan (click subtitles in English). It's titled "Mom's First birthday," which celebrates a big milestone in a new mom's life - her baby's one-year checkup. All these moms have just spent the past year sacrificing sleep and sanity, dealing with uncertainties and fears, and when they walk out of that milestone doctor appointment, well....I don't want to spoil it for you so click to watch the video.  

Oh wait, did we say that we are looking forward to what these moms have gone through in their first year with the newborn? Thanks for deciding to do this, hubby! And "S," thanks for the most trying year of your life.

Are we too old to be parents?

We were asked often why we decided to have kids, especially after all these years of "freedom" to be ourselves and to travel as much as we could. As much as we have enjoyed our life and are happy with what we've got now, we felt something was missing - a family. We were married in 2011 and marriage is a strange thing because it naturally settles you to the idea of family. Time is not on our side because we are not getting any younger. We thought about our ages and wondered if raising kids would be an issue later on. One thing we both agreed - it is either now to have babies or never. We read this article on another blog about older parenting. It does explain some of our reasons very well. Age is relative and we are only as old as we make ourselves. We are so looking forward to the days of staying young and experiencing the world all over again with our kids.

Older Parenting: A Modern Day Fountain of Youth

Is Older Parenting Worth It? YES!

Published on February 20, 2011 by Dr. Kevin D. Arnold, Ph.D., ABPP in The Older Dad

Fathering in Your 50s: Is There a Difference?
My first psychology professor was Dr. Dick Bruce. He told a marvelous story about his family during Psych 100: When home for the holidays, one of his siblings complained that earning a Ph.D. seemed an impossible goal. The degree would take so long. Dr. Bruce's reply was "In 4 years you'll be the same age whether you go to school or not." Fathering in your 50s is much like Dr. Bruce's thinking. If being older is the only reason we decide against having children, then we have allowed ourselves to be enslaved to age. Certainly anyone should consider factors like health, energy levels, or financial capacity when making the choice to have children. We can decide to have, or not to have, children in our 40s or 50s, but we will end up the same age, in 18 years, either way. When we magnify the negative meaning of age, we don't balance the benefits of having children at an older age. Once we place age into its proper perspective, we can see that there are many reasons to become an "older" father.

Staying Young
Fathers, like everyone, create beliefs about the meaning of age. How we define age then affects other parts of our lives: athletics, diet, vacationing.  My young children demand that I stay young. They want to play on the floor, run in the back yard, eat ice cream, and go on family vacations. I find that having young children keeps my perspective young, and my daily life more energetic. I have a youthful perspective, and my life shows it.

Feeling Connected
As we grow older, experiences can reduce our feelings of attachment. Deaths, and other losses, push older men away from the vulnerability of deep connection. But, children express their love and affection so freely, so that avoiding a bond with them is impossible. I am not closed-off in other relationships, because my children keep me open to connection every day.

Enjoying Life
The older we get, the more life feels like a grind. We ask ourselves, "Is there anything thing new or exciting in the world?"  Young children feel joy and are excited about just-about everything. They see fun in the mundane as boxes become forts. If we let them, they will take us along for the "joy" ride. Fathering in my 50s gave me back life's fun. My children make well-worn activities feel exhilarating again.

Learning Fearlessly             
All adults know the pain of embarrassing themselves while trying to learn something, but not doing so well. When men hit middle age, we discover how our bodies and minds have begun to falter (even when we try something well known). But, children approach learning new things (sports, reading, games, etc.) without fear. For example, my son is learning to read-and mastering a new word puts joy on his face, with no signs of worry. My son and daughter show me daily that I have nothing to fear if I try something new. I took up golf, as a serious pastime, last year.  And, I have fun learning to play. I thank my children for the courage to learn the game..... to enjoy the pars and the double-bogies.

A Final Word from an Older Dad
Yes, there are plenty of reasons to become a father in your 40s or 50s: Youthfulness, Connection, Joy, and Fearlessness are but a few. Parenting has challenges in your 50s, just like it would at any age.  But older parenting can reset the aging clock. You live a younger life, and your children benefit from your years of wisdom. Older fathering might not be a fountain of youth, but it will add years of happiness to your life.

Link

Goodbye embryo and hello fetus - Week 9 is here!

You are nearly an inch long, about the size of grape and weighs just a fraction of an ounce. You are starting to look more human. Essential body parts are accounted for but you will go through plenty of fine-tuning in the coming months. Your hearts finish dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form as do your tiny teeth. The embryonic tail is completely gone. External sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable for another few weeks. You have tiny earlobes, and mouth, nose and nostril are more distinct. The placenta is developed enough now to take over most of the critical job of producing hormones. Now your basic physiology is in place and are poised for rapid weight gain.

You are now much bigger than when you were first conceived. Daddy and papa continue to be wowed by your growth. We are very proud of you guys and thanks to auntie "S" for taking good care of you. 

Here is an informative video on week 9. 

First time we all met for the screening

February 28 was the date for medical screening and psychological evaluation at the fertility clinic. It was the day we all met for the first time and looked forward to because finally the process was moving forward. Prior to that, "S" has gotten an approval from our fertility doctor after reviewing her medical records. We had actually thought about meeting any potential surrogate in person before making any final decision but our interactions by emails and phones with "S" proved it unnecessary. We were very comfortable and felt confident with her, We invited her and her family to stay at our home during their visit for the screening so we could spend more quality time together.

It was a long drive for them and close to midnight when they arrived. When we met, the connection was instantly there and they just felt like long lost family members. We could not be more excited to meet and welcome them to our home.

The day at the clinic was packed with schedules for all of us. We were seen separately by the doctor, the psychologist, and the nurse. Husband and I have consulted with the clinic a few times before and were really eager and anxious to hear what these professionals had to say about our independent match. A few hours went by and everything seemed to be moving smoothly. "S" had to take a computerized psychological testing with a few hundred questions. According to her, some questions were just silly. In the end, the psychologist confirmed that we matched well and didn't even need a group consultation. The doctor gave us a thumb up. We were given a green light to proceed and could not be more excited.

Over the weekend we got to spend time together and tour the city. It was a perfect opportunity to get to know each other. We enjoyed every moment of it and knew we were in for a long lasting relationship.

On a side note, our doctor requested that we performed a home study on "S" and her family by a social worker after the screening. While we understood the reason for it, we didn't think it was necessary for three reasons, 1) home study should have been done before bringing them for medical and psychological screening, 2) it added extra cost and delayed the process and 3) most importantly, we had seen first hand how they interacted with their kids and each other for a few days. However, our doc simply could not be convinced and insisted to have such study before proceeding. In the end, we did one to comply and it added nothing more to our confidence on "S". It was such a waste of money and time!

Another common practice is background check which we didn't do. It doesn't mean it is not important. It's just not needed for us because of our professions.

Ultrasound update

Both babies have grown larger from last week. They are measured where they are supposed to be with heartbeats of about 170 per minute.

Way to go...little darlin'!! Daddy and Papa have a song for you both for doing such a great job so far! Enjoy and be easy on Auntie "S". We can't wait to see you guys next time.

Baby poop IQ test

Baby Poop IQ Test"You're a pro when it comes to poop!Your score indicates you're an elimination ace: You're familiar with Baby's regular outputs and you know when something's not right."Thanks so much for the assurance! 
Looking forward to the fourth ultrasound tomorrow.

Matching with a surrogate

Surrogacy is like solving puzzle pieces. The most important piece is the surrogate and matching is also the most challenging and difficult part of the process. It takes time, patience, diligence and trust to find someone who is willing to carry your baby and give you the most precious gift one possibly can. There is a tendency to match in a hurry but it could be problematic down the road if both parties don't take time to know each other.

Initially, we searched our surrogate by responding classifieds online. It is a good idea to have a set of criteria and know which are important to you. Other than being healthy, most intended parents look for a surrogate who is married, done with having kids, and have a good support system. Other criteria include age range, pregnancy history, BMI, health insurance without surrogacy exclusion, willing to carry twins, living in a surrogacy friendly state, prior surrogacy experience, issues such as selective reduction/early termination, etc.

We responded to countless classifieds last year. It was quite interesting to interact with all those potential surrogates by emails. Some had no reply and some rejected out right. Rejections are hard to take but it was part of the matching. It was frustrating and disappointing sometimes. There were times when we were about to give up but found strengths somehow to keep looking. Most women we talked to were passionate about surrogacy and had a big heart to help. Each one of the matching was a learning experience and we appreciated every single opportunity even if it didn't work out.

There were a few potential ones but we could not proceed due to various reasons. First was our financial constraint. Financial compensation is an uncomfortable subject. We will talk about financial compensation in another post. Some suggest to talk about it right from the beginning to save time because it is pretty cut-and-dried. However, it was not our approach and we usually shy away from those asking financial compensation from the beginning. We would only bring the subject when we felt there was a potential match from both sides. Second, surrogates changed their mind after seriously thinking about it. The surrogate can change her mind any time up to embryo transfer, even after the contract is signed. And last which is the most difficult one to swallow - no response and no explanation. It was heartbreaking when the surrogate suddenly just cut all contacts for no reason after what seemed to be going well and we were ready to proceed with medical screening. But it is better to happen earlier than later.

To increase our chances, we posted an ad with our background and criteria. It had an advantage because only those interested and fit our criteria would respond to our ad, and it could reach those looking to be a surrogate but don't want to post their ads. There came with "S" who responded to our ad on October 19, 2013 when all these began. Thinking back, the matching process could not be better. We were not rushing into the process but genuinely interested in getting to know each other and taking our time to establish our relationship. "S" is mature and open minded. She is pleasant to talk to and has a sense of humor. As her first surrogacy, she did her research and continues to do so. She speaks her mind and communicates well. Most importantly, she is responsible, honest and can be completely trusted. She has everything we were looking for and have hoped for. We are fortunate and could not be happier to have "S" and her family to be part of our family and us to be theirs.

Just to share what we think are important qualities of a surrogate.

• Honest - Perhaps the most important quality. We need to trust her completely. 
• Responsible in her actions - should follow through with instructions that she is given and be able to complete any tasks that are assigned to her by the intended parents or the doctor’s office without being reminded. Act responsibly in informing everyone involved if she has medical concerns.
• Reliable - Always make herself available and can be depended upon and being professional. 
• Healthy - not only to be healthy to carry the baby but also maintain healthy lifestyle during the pregnancy. 
• Good communicator and responsive - Able to provide regular medical updates and alert the IPs with concerns about her health or the status of her pregnancy. Able to respond honestly and promptly to the IPs during the process of surrogacy.
• Have a supportive and positive environment 
• Ability to comprehend all the processes involved surrogacy - legal, medical and all the responsibilities with surrogacy. 

What we had learned is that matching with a surrogate independently is an emotional roller coaster ride that also requires significant rationality to proceed. Be prepared to share almost everything. Surrogacy really takes two to tango (well, more if one counts the egg donor).

A few milestones....

It is hard to believe that so much time has passed since we formally started the process last January. Looking back, there were a few milestones leading to where we are now. Much of 2013 we spent on searching for the surrogate, deciding a clinic, talking to lawyers and saving as much money as we possibly could (if you don't know by now, surrogacy is costly). Each milestone is a story on its own. So much to catch up but we have 223 days to do so.

December 2, 2013 - matched with the surrogate (from now on, we will call her "S")
February 28, 2014 - medical screening and psychological evaluation at the clinic
March 27, 2014 - mid-cycle lining check
April 1, 2014 - mock cycle
April 16, 2014 - contract done
June 25, 2014 - fresh embryo transfer cycle
July 26, 2014 - egg retrieval & fertilization
July 31, 2014 - embryo transfer
August 8, 2014 - pregnancy confirmed via hcg
August 20, 2014 - first ultrasound with two gestational sacs
August 27, 2014 - second ultrasound with heart beats
September 3, 2014 - third ultrasound
September 10, 2014 - 4th ultrasound
October 6 - 12-week ultrasound
November 10 - 17-week ultrasound
December 19 - PBO and 23 week ultrasound
February 9 - 30 week ultrasound
March 9 - 34-week ultrasound
March 25 - birth of our twin girls, born 36 weeks 4 days.

It seemed to take forever to get to this point. While "S" was busy getting her body ready, all we could do was waiting for updates and hoping every day go by without a hitch. As much as we are over the moon on our pregnancy with twins, we are still waiting to get through the first trimester.

Hang in there, "S." The days of getting a shot every day are numbered. It will be a milestone of its own. Thanks for being such a trooper.

Domestic or Abroad?

Doing surrogacy overseas is another option. It usually costs less and primarily it is the reason for going abroad. Countries like India, Mexico and Thailand have surrogacy in place. Last we checked - India has banned surrogacy for same-sex couples. 

We did explore surrogacy in Mexico and got in touch with some agencies and clinics. The major drawback as far as we were concerned was the travel distance and immigration issues to bring the baby back to the U.S. Also, we were not confident on the transparency of the process such as surrogate screening, medical care and egg donor. We thought it was too risky to pursue surrogacy overseas. 

Week 8 is here

It is 8 week. 

We love the new week changes on Saturday so we can study all the development and let the reality of becoming daddies sink in week by week.

There are so many apps for pregnancy. As gay guys, we are pretty ignorant when it comes to woman's department, not to mention pregnancy which neither of us had any prior experience. These apps make the process so much informative and easier to track. We pretty much downloaded all free apps we could find.

BabyBump app said - "by now, your baby's head is proportionally larger than the rest of the body and the ears and eyelids are developing. Fingers and toes are developing from the arm and leg buds which now have distinguished wrists and elbows that can even flex. At this stage, your baby's heart rate is around 150 beats per minute." Baby is about the size of raspberry measuring .63 and weighs .04 oz.

They are now funny looking little ones. Perhaps we could see their arms and legs in next ultrasound scheduled next Wednesday.

Grow babies...and grow strong!!

Here is a very informative video of embryo development from week 1 to 9. It is really amazing to see how little embryo grows in such a short amount of time. By week 8, the baby is more than 10,000 times larger that it first started.

Agency or independent?

Surrogacy agencies are quite prominent these days and have slowly become an industry itself. There are full fledged ones which covers every aspect of the process to smaller ones that primarily help match the IPs (intended parents) with a surrogate. Given the complexity of surrogacy process, many recommend using an agency which could cost a lot more. Even our fertility clinic strongly recommended that we used an agency. We did talk to a few agencies. The more research we did, the more we felt we could manage the process ourselves. We finally decided to pursue on our own for a few reasons.

1. Putting cost aside, it seemed that the most challenging part of the process is to find a surrogate that matches well (We will share our experiences of finding a surrogate in another post). It is time consuming and requires a careful selection. Matching, as many have called it, is perhaps the most important part of the surrogacy. We simply didn't feel confident to leave it to the hands of an agency and preferred to build a more personal relationship with the surrogate. It is a good idea to find out where the agency recruits the surrogates and their criteria to screen the surrogates. Some simply place online ads for you. Some have a pool of surrogates that they regularly recruit.

2. Other than matching, the rest is pretty much like process management. If you are methodical and organized, you would be just fine to do it on your own. (we will leave another post for our steps :-)

We do see the benefits of using an agency but the cost simply outweighed the benefit. Plus, there was no guarantee of anything and we had no control.

Final word - Agency or not really depends on financial situation and personal preference. Some agencies could be business like which was not ideal for us. Honestly, there were times when we were confused and really wished we had an agency to take care of all the issues. The good thing is - there are lots of those who have been or are in the process out there in the discussion forums or social media willing to help. For that, we'd like to thank all those who we have never met and went out of their ways to offer their experiences, advice and support.

We are blessed to get to this point!

Where to begin? Traditional or gestational surrogacy?

Putting our excitement aside and posting some serious research.

Surrogacy is a complex and lengthy process involving medical, legal, financial, and emotional aspects. There are wealth of information on the Internet, from professionals to those who have gone through the process sharing their experiences on discussion forums and social media.

After doing our research...reading and reading...."where to begin" was the question at the beginning of our journey. Three important questions right off the back were:

1. Traditional or gestational surrogacy?

2. Independent or a surrogacy agency?

3. Domestic or abroad?

In traditional surrogacy, the woman not only carries the fetus but also supplies the egg to create the pregnancy. Traditional surrogacy generally results from Artificial Insemination ("AI"). Artificial insemination can also occur when a woman uses a known sperm donor or unknown sperm donor.

Gestational surrogacy, by contrast, results from in-vitro fertilization. A Gestational surrogate carries the fetus during the pregnancy, but she does not provide the egg and has no genetic link to the baby. Instead, the egg is provided by an egg donor (or, by the intended mother, in the case of a woman who cannot carry the baby for medical reasons). The egg is fertilized by the process of in-vitro fertilization, then grown into an embryo, and then implanted into the gestational surrogate. Here is a link to a summary of two types of surrogacy. 

Each type of surrogacy has different legal and financial implications. Legally, it varies by states in the U.S. which adds additional layer of complexity, especially for same-sex couples. Legal proceedings for parental rights are also different. In our case, every time we found a potential surrogate, we would contact lawyers in the state to make sure it was doable. Financially, traditional surrogacy would cost less because an egg donor and in-vitro fertilization are not needed.

We decided to go for gestational surrogacy for only one reason - it could be a little trickier to have the baby genetically linked to the surrogate, both legally and socially.

Can the heart beat rate predict gender?

A fun part of the pregnancy is to find out the baby gender other than choosing a baby name. We are thrilled to have either boy or girl. Their genders are already determined at the conception and we are not gonna lose sleep on it. 

MYTH: If the fetal heart rate is below 140 beats per minute, it's a boy; if it's above 140, it's a girl.

Is it true? Sooner or later, we will find out.

"Studies, however, show no significant difference between a male and a female heart rate, at least statistically speaking. The normal heart rate for a fetus is anywhere from 120 to 160 beats per minute. The heart rate will fluctuate from beat to beat and demonstrates what is called fetal heart rate variability. The developing fetal brain is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system (the fight-or-flight response) and the parasympathetic (relaxation) system. As the brain develops, these two systems engage in a power struggle. The heart rate speeds up when stimulated by the sympathetic system and slows down when controlled by the parasympathetic response. So, depending on the arousal of the fetus, the heart rate can be 130 on one day, 110 the next, and 150 the next. We usually listen to the fetal heart rate for about ten to thirty seconds at a time. If the baby is awake and moving, the heart rate may be higher than if it is sleeping.

We can extrapolate this theory. Men and women, boys and girls do not have different heart rates based on gender. The heart rate in a healthy individual is a response to external stimuli and not necessarily caused by the gender of the individual."

Link and another link to all the myths for the gender prediction.


Some other myths include:

1. Ever heard the saying that a girl can steal your beauty? They say that if you have breakouts, then chances are you’re having a girl.
2. If you’ve been spared bouts of nausea, maybe it’s a boy.
3. If Daddy has more brothers than sisters, chances are his y-sperm is stronger which increases the possibility of having a boy.
4. Craving salty foods could mean you’ve got a little man on the way.

Attended third ultrasound appointment

We had the third ultrasound after the pregnancy was confirmed and attended the ultrasound for the first time. Seeing both babies beating their hearts strong and continuing to develop according to gestational weeks were just incredible. We know they both are in a safe place being well taken care of.

Our surrogate has been experiencing morning sickness in addition to her daily progesterone shot. We so wish we have ways to ease her discomforts than simply giving her our support. We are counting down the days when she will be off the shot and just "enjoy" the pregnancy.

Here are the heartbeats of the babies. Both are measured well with strong heartbeats.

Baby A - the one close to the cervix and also was the first gestational sac found, hence A. It beats 143 per minute and measured 7 weeks 4 days according to gestational age.

Baby B - beats 150 per minute, measured 7 weeks 3 days. 

The ultrasound appointment was fairly quick. The birthing center was very welcoming and its staff were so friendly and exciting of our visit. Our surrogate introduced us as the "daddies" for the first time, it felt strange but we will have a few months to get used to it. 

Our few hours of visit was short but sweet. We were glad to spend time together eating and playing, especially with their kids at a science center. It was a lot of fun and we can't wait to see them again. After saying bye, we headed straight to the airport and came back home. 

Next Wednesday will be the last ultrasound before our surrogate is discharged from our fertility clinic to her OB.

The sun is shinning

Getting in pretty late last night. After spending a night at a motel, we started early with first stop for blood work and then ultrasound.

On our way to visit for the first time

Pretty excited to visit for the first time. Can't wait to attend third ultrasound tomorrow.

This blog is long over due....

With this first blog post, we are 7-week pregnant with twins. After our embryo transfer, time just keeps flying. Before one knows it, babies will be here. 

It has been a long journey and it seems to take forever to get to this point. When we first thought about surrogacy, it was 2010. We did some serious research but our real life got in the way. After we moved to our new home, our thought of building a family grew stronger. Then, we started exploring the possibility of surrogacy again. 

Now we have passed a major hurdle - getting pregnant. We thought we’d share our surrogacy experience and at the same time document our pregnancy journey. This blog is long over due...