Matching with a surrogate

Surrogacy is like solving puzzle pieces. The most important piece is the surrogate and matching is also the most challenging and difficult part of the process. It takes time, patience, diligence and trust to find someone who is willing to carry your baby and give you the most precious gift one possibly can. There is a tendency to match in a hurry but it could be problematic down the road if both parties don't take time to know each other.

Initially, we searched our surrogate by responding classifieds online. It is a good idea to have a set of criteria and know which are important to you. Other than being healthy, most intended parents look for a surrogate who is married, done with having kids, and have a good support system. Other criteria include age range, pregnancy history, BMI, health insurance without surrogacy exclusion, willing to carry twins, living in a surrogacy friendly state, prior surrogacy experience, issues such as selective reduction/early termination, etc.

We responded to countless classifieds last year. It was quite interesting to interact with all those potential surrogates by emails. Some had no reply and some rejected out right. Rejections are hard to take but it was part of the matching. It was frustrating and disappointing sometimes. There were times when we were about to give up but found strengths somehow to keep looking. Most women we talked to were passionate about surrogacy and had a big heart to help. Each one of the matching was a learning experience and we appreciated every single opportunity even if it didn't work out.

There were a few potential ones but we could not proceed due to various reasons. First was our financial constraint. Financial compensation is an uncomfortable subject. We will talk about financial compensation in another post. Some suggest to talk about it right from the beginning to save time because it is pretty cut-and-dried. However, it was not our approach and we usually shy away from those asking financial compensation from the beginning. We would only bring the subject when we felt there was a potential match from both sides. Second, surrogates changed their mind after seriously thinking about it. The surrogate can change her mind any time up to embryo transfer, even after the contract is signed. And last which is the most difficult one to swallow - no response and no explanation. It was heartbreaking when the surrogate suddenly just cut all contacts for no reason after what seemed to be going well and we were ready to proceed with medical screening. But it is better to happen earlier than later.

To increase our chances, we posted an ad with our background and criteria. It had an advantage because only those interested and fit our criteria would respond to our ad, and it could reach those looking to be a surrogate but don't want to post their ads. There came with "S" who responded to our ad on October 19, 2013 when all these began. Thinking back, the matching process could not be better. We were not rushing into the process but genuinely interested in getting to know each other and taking our time to establish our relationship. "S" is mature and open minded. She is pleasant to talk to and has a sense of humor. As her first surrogacy, she did her research and continues to do so. She speaks her mind and communicates well. Most importantly, she is responsible, honest and can be completely trusted. She has everything we were looking for and have hoped for. We are fortunate and could not be happier to have "S" and her family to be part of our family and us to be theirs.

Just to share what we think are important qualities of a surrogate.

• Honest - Perhaps the most important quality. We need to trust her completely. 
• Responsible in her actions - should follow through with instructions that she is given and be able to complete any tasks that are assigned to her by the intended parents or the doctor’s office without being reminded. Act responsibly in informing everyone involved if she has medical concerns.
• Reliable - Always make herself available and can be depended upon and being professional. 
• Healthy - not only to be healthy to carry the baby but also maintain healthy lifestyle during the pregnancy. 
• Good communicator and responsive - Able to provide regular medical updates and alert the IPs with concerns about her health or the status of her pregnancy. Able to respond honestly and promptly to the IPs during the process of surrogacy.
• Have a supportive and positive environment 
• Ability to comprehend all the processes involved surrogacy - legal, medical and all the responsibilities with surrogacy. 

What we had learned is that matching with a surrogate independently is an emotional roller coaster ride that also requires significant rationality to proceed. Be prepared to share almost everything. Surrogacy really takes two to tango (well, more if one counts the egg donor).